


The Personality Test

by shinzotakamura (Jacob_Matson)



Category: Bleeding Me - Fandom, Pride and Prejudice & Related Fandoms, Pride and Prejudice (1995)
Genre: F/M, Myers-Briggs, beautiful hands, meet cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29813238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacob_Matson/pseuds/shinzotakamura
Summary: Lana meets Rolf's older brother, and introduces him to her favorite Austen.





	The Personality Test

Lana is sitting out on the porch as the sun sets, reading a book when she suddenly sees a pair of black ripped jeans standing in front of her. She looks up from her book at a man with flowing red hair and a scraggly beard. 

Must be a really good book. 

Lana nods and dogears the page, then studies the man. You have beautiful hands, she observes. 

Thanks, he says, obviously pleased. No one’s ever told me that before. 

Rolf should be out in a little bit, if you’re willing to wait with me. She pats the seat next to her. 

I’m Lana, she says, offering him her hand when he sits down. 

Lucas. Judging a book by its cover, who do you think I am and what is my business here? He asks her. 

I like a man with a sense of humor, she says turning to look into his eyes. 

_Why did Takeda help you?_ She hears the man think. 

You didn’t answer my questions, he says, grinning back at her. He sees Lana’s Mona Lisa smile as she looks away.

Lucas, I think you are a recruiter and that you have a hidden agenda. She uses Bettina’s big eyed prove-me-wrong expression on him. 

_Out of the mouth of babes._ I’m impressed, he admits and then looks away, staring off into the distance. She lays a hand gently on his arm. 

Lucas, you just left me. She says softly. I didn’t mean to upset you. He shakes his head. 

Sorry, Lana. It comes with being an internal processor. She squeezes his hand. 

It’s okay. Lana covers her mouth with her other hand as she yawns.

Am I boring you? He asks her. 

No, it’s from sitting too long. May I get you a glass of water while we wait? 

No thanks. But I’d like to use the bathroom though real quick. 

Until I hear from Rolf, it’s right around the house, behind the nearest tree. He gives her a puzzled look. 

I have my instructions, Lucas. 

What if it’s sudden onset number two? He quips. She laughs delightedly. 

Well? She looks at him. 

Why are you testing me, Lucas? I have a job to do. Please respect that. He smirks. 

_Rolf’s pet..._

Lana unkinks her neck. I’ve got to tell you a secret, Lucas. 

What’s that, Lana? She leans in close and suddenly headbutts him, then puts him in a chokehold, her fist pressing against his cartoid artery. 

I can hear your thoughts, trash. 

She leans back as he struggles. 

***

Rolf comes out the door and sees Lana choking out a man with flowing red hair. He just stands there in complete shock. 

Let him go, Lana, he finally manages to say. Lana gets up, but then picks up the slumped man by the hair and slaps him hard across the face. The man stays slumped. 

Lana, go home! Rolf orders her with a look of utter horror written on his face. She puts her head down and walks to her car. Rolf watches her drive away with his mouth open, in shock. 

***

Lucas wakes up a couple minutes later on Rolf’s couch, and sees Rolf leaning forward, studying him. 

I see you met my partner, Lucas. What did you do to set her off? 

I just asked to use the bathroom. That’s it. And she just attacked me, Lucas complains. She headbutted me, he says in a hurt tone. 

You’re leaving something out, Rolf says. He gets up and goes to the freezer and brings back a wrapped steak. Put this on your forehead. Lucas looks at the beautiful penmanship on the steak. **Venison. Backstrap. 27 November**. 

I opened the door just as she had finished choking you out, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. I told her to let you go, and she got up, and grabbed you by the hair and slapped you hard across the face. You did something to offend her. 

I swear I didn’t, Lucas protests. We were getting along great and had a connection, and all the sudden she said that she’d like to tell me a secret, then wham. Lucas looks at Rolf with a wounded expression, and Rolf bursts out laughing. 

When was the last time that anyone mastered you? Lucas glowers and looks at the floor as he presses the frozen steak against his forehead. 

I’ll talk to her, Rolf says. Lana is a singularity, Lucas. I ordered her to go home, and she slunk away with her head down, ashamed of herself, and thinking that I was disappointed in her. 

She needs to be punished, Lucas says indignantly. 

Let’s hear her side of the story, Rolf says, and goes to get his phone. 

Put it on speaker, Lucas orders. 

I’m sorry, Rolf, Lana says softly, when she picks up. 

Lana, you’re on speaker. Why did you attack my guest? (silence) 

Lana, I need an explanation. (silence)

I told him why as I choked him out, Lana eventually replies indignantly. Rolf looks at Lucas. Who holds up his hands and shrugs in bemusement. 

It didn’t register with him. 

Can he hear me? 

I can hear you, Lana, Lucas answers. 

I can hear your thoughts, trash. She disconnects. 

Takeda, Lucas mutters. 

Lana is a lady. You will treat her as such, Rolf tells him coldly. 

You don’t dictate terms to me, Lucas says, glaring up at him. 

Then get of my house, and get out of my town, Rolf orders. 

Make me. I’m older and stronger. 

We all have to die sometime, Rolf says, grinning coldly. 

Don’t go berserker on me, Asgaard. I’ll give her a pass for your sake.

He muses silently. I underestimated her, he admits. 

You mess with my family, and it’s war, Rolf notes.

Got it, Lucas says in a clipped voice. 

Why are you in town? Rolf asks. 

I want what you have, Lucas admits. 

And what’s that? 

The stardom, the adulation – all that comes with being a rockstar. And I want a bodyguard like Lana. 

You haven’t changed, Lucas. 

Do you think I have beautiful hands? 

What? 

Do you think I have beautiful hands? Lucas repeats. 

I’m not following. 

Lana said that I have beautiful hands. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Rolf allows, but I think she might have been alluding to a deeper truth, that there is beauty in a job well done. When you’ve finished a project, and take a moment to step back, and just admire your handiwork. 

No, she’s right, I do have beautiful hands, Lucas says, as he gazes at them. 

So what do you want from me? Rolf asks. 

I want your help starting a deathcore band. I’m going to be the frontman and the vocalist. BLEEGH. Rolf laughs.

I’m in, that sounds like a fun project. What’s the name of the band going to be? 

Lucas strokes his beard. Rage War. 

***

The next day, Lana comes inside and sees Lucas sitting with his bare feet on the desk of her workstation, leafing through her daily activity log. She turns around to leave, but he is suddenly at the door, blocking her way. 

We need to talk.

She locks eyes with him and then moves into him, deliberately stepping on his toes. 

OW! He yells, and hops away from the door on one leg, his foot in his hands. Lana opens the door, and goes outside and gets in her car and leaves. 

***

Lucas is waiting for Rolf when he comes upstairs. Why does she keep hurting me? 

What did she do now? Rolf asks. 

She stared at me to distract me, then she stepped on my toes. Rolf breaks down laughing. 

It really hurt, Lucas complains. 

You can ask her. She’s coming over in a little bit. We’ve got to work a case. 

***

Lana comes in soon thereafter. She’s wearing her jean jacket and her long grey skirt. 

Hi, Rolf. She says cheerfully. Are you ready to go? 

You look great, Lana. Rolf tells her. I still need to change. Try not to hurt my houseguest. He disappears downstairs. Lana waits by the door with her head down and her fingers interlaced. 

So, Lana, Lucas says, walking up to her. She looks up at him. 

Yes? 

I find you very attractive. Lana blushes and looks down. He chuckles. 

I finally found a chink in your armor. How is Bettina doing? 

Intellectually she knows that Simon is in heaven, and wouldn’t want to come back, even if he could. But emotionally, she misses him and mourns for the life they had planned together. 

How are you doing? She doesn’t answer. 

Rolf comes back upstairs, wearing slacks and a turtleneck. Alright if Lucas comes with us? He asks Lana. 

If you think it best, Lana allows.

Everyone gets into Lana’s Volvo and she pulls out of the drive on to Highway 90. 

Don’t be silent on account of me, Lucas says from the backseat. Lana glances in the rearview mirror at him. Then looks over at Rolf. 

How would you score him on Myers-Briggs? 

I believe Lucas to be too integrated for any meaningful differentiation.

Lucas grins at this. 

What was your initial assessment of him, Lana? 

Depressive avoidant. 

What?!? Lucas exclaims indignantly. 

Lucas, would you be willing to answer a battery of ninety-three questions truthfully? 

Sure. Ask away. 

They’re on my tablet. I’d like to switch seats with you, if you’re comfortable driving. 

Sure. Lana signals and pulls over. 

Once they’re on the road again, Lana digs in her purse and pulls out her tablet and stylus, and eventually finds the personality inventory. 

I’m ready when you are, Lana. 

Alright, but before we begin, let me clarify. There are no wrong answers. This test is non-judgmental, and the results are only positive. 

Depressive avoidant doesn’t sound positive to me, Lucas mutters. 

As was Mr. Darcy of Pemberley. Is that more constructive, sir? 

Hardly. Who is that? 

Lana sighs in the backseat. 

She just paid you a really nice compliment, Lucas. Rolf interjects, grinning over at him. 

So who is that?

He’s the romantic male lead of Pride and Prejudice. Lana, do you have the trailer on your tablet? 

She finds the 1995 trailer on Youtube and hands the tablet to Rolf. He presses play, and Lucas watches it intermittently as he drives. Suddenly there are flashing lights behind them. Rolf motions with his head for Lucas to pull over. Play nice, he mutters under his breath, and sees Lucas give a slight nod in acknowledgment. Rolf rolls down his passenger window. 

I’d like to see it again, Lucas admits. 

A minute later, a pair of cops come alongside the car, shining their flashlights. They see Lana sitting in the backseat with her seatbelt on and her head down, her hands folded together, while Rolf and Lucas are watching the trailer. One of the cops looks in the window and watches as it finishes. 

_I have been a selfish being all my life. I might still have been, except for you._ The trailer ends with the newlyweds leaning in for a kiss. 

Good evening, officer. Rolf says.

Do you know why I pulled you over? The cop asks. 

I’m sure you had a good reason, officer, Rolf replies. 

Distracted driving. You didn’t even notice us come along side you in the other lane. 

Lana paid me a compliment. She said that I was like Mr. Darcy of Pemberley. Lucas explains. I didn’t know who that was. Hence the movie trailer. 

The cop considers this. Just watch the movie at home, alright, and drive safe. Have a good night. 

Lana, can I get your autograph real quick? The other cop asks. 

Sure. She pulls out a business card from her cellphone case and signs it. Here you go, officer. 

Thank you. 

You’re welcome. 

Let me see it, the other cop says when they get back in their patrol car. The cop proudly shows him. _Proverbs 24:5/10._ _Stay strong, LR._

***

Please let them pull out first, Lucas, Lana says from the backseat. The cops eventually leave, and Lucas finally pulls out on the highway. 

Alright, Lana. I’m ready for your questions... 

…thank you, Lucas. No further questions. 

How did I score? Lucas asks eagerly. Lana looks down at her tablet. 

Oops. I pressed the wrong button. All gone. 

You’re kidding, right? 

Lana looks down with her Mona Lisa smile as Rolf chuckles. 

That is completely unacceptable. I just spent almost two hours answering your questions. 

Made the miles go by, didn’t it, Rolf says grinning. 

Lana! Lucas protests. 

I’m offering you an out, Lucas. 

Tell me, Lana. 

INFP. 

What does that mean? 

It’s descriptive of a kind and generous man. 

You made that up! Lucas declaims. 

I brought that on myself, Lucas, for teasing you, but I’m being serious. INFP. Myers-Briggs has a 90% confidence correlation on the initial test, provided that the subject is open, relaxed, and unguarded, which I believe you were, sitting in the driver’s seat of my car. The archetypes associated with the INFP classification are the poet, the healer, the mediator, and the crusader. Lucas looks over at Rolf with his eyebrows raised. 

Definitely the crusader, Rolf entones. 

What is he? Lucas asks. 

You cannot expect me to talk about my partner, Lana says with mock indignation. 

Not using psychobabble letters, but descriptive, like your depressive avoidant, Lucas replies. 

Creative altruistic genius. 

Lucas grunts. What are his letters? 

Rolf is my partner; we’re beyond letters, Lucas. 

Lucas doesn’t say anything and stares at the road ahead. What are you, Lana? 

I’m a Southern woman, born and raised. 

***

After the client meeting, Lana drives back while Lucas watches the 2005 P&P version on Lana’s tablet in the backseat. 

Lucas grunts when he finishes it. You like this? he asks Lana. 

Yes. Which of the sisters did you like best, Lucas? 

The oldest. 

Me too, Lana admits, and glances over at Rolf, who is still napping. 

You know you can stay, Lana. I’m not going to bother you. Rolf made it crystal clear that your room is strictly off limits. 

I appreciate you saying that, Lucas, but I like having the run of the house while Rolf is resting. You’d crimp my style. 

Lucas grunts in response. 

***

Time to wake up, mister. Lana tells Rolf, gently rubbing his hand. Rolf’s eyes pop open, instantly awake. He looks at Lana. She smiles at him. 

I’ll be working remotely while you have company, Rolf. Good night, boys. 

Lucas gets out and taps on her window for her to roll it down. She shakes her head no, and drives off. 

What is that about? Lucas protests. 

You’re upsetting Lana’s routine, Rolf comments. 


End file.
